…now my youngest has gone to nursery.
The time has come where I find myself with two whole hours of unadulterated silence.
The time that I’ve been pleading, moaning and outright begging for since my youngest was born.
I have the freedom to write – to let my thoughts flow in whatever direction they choose. To create at will and get lost in the world of fantasy. To swim in the realms of the unconscious without having to stop for things like snacks, toilet breaks and the occasional extraction of toddler from washing machine.
So what have I done with this rare and coveted time to myself, you ask?
I’ve successfully cleaned the kitchen, eaten all the biscuits and watched re-runs of House on Sky. What an achievement, hurrah!
For the last six months, I have harped on to family, friends and poor unsuspecting people at the bus stop, (I don’t drive, cars terrify me), how my amazing book, plus publishing contract, would be complete – if only I had the time.
So you’d think that I’d be on it. Er…no.
Apparently, there are a hundred things I can think of doing instead, such as, cleaning the house, de-cluttering the children’s rooms and staring at the creepy neighbours across the road.
This brings me to my favourite writers quote ever, (only because it makes me feel better about having the attention span of a grapefruit).
I have no idea who said it, but the quote goes something like this…
“I have yet to find a writer who wouldn’t rather peel a banana, than write.”
I admit, I did try to find the author of this quote on Google, but got sidetracked with the obscure but incredibly entertaining answers I got, (give it a go…it’s worth it if you’re bored). Then, I realised that I’d been caught in that familiar trap of reading instead of writing, telling myself it’s all in the aid of work, so I had to come away.
So why do I find it so hard to just sit down and write? Especially, that when I do, I enjoy it immensely and come away feeling happier and all kinds of accomplished, even if no one else ever sees it.
Am I so lacking in confidence that I can’t bear to put ideas on paper? If that’s the case I really should have re-thought that short story I sent to Dark Tales last year.
Or is it that I am lacking in motivation and just terribly lazy? I’d be inclined to say yes, except for the fact that I’ll do anything else in its place.
So I was left with the hard truth that I’d attached such fear to just getting the work done – not in case other people don’t like it, as you can’t please everyone – but in case I didn’t like it.
I’d set such incredibly high standards for myself that if it didn’t come off as something profound or life-changing, I thought it was utter rubbish and I’d delete it.
Now, I’m not so delusional to think that anything I write is of this standard, therefore as you can imagine, I delete a lot of stuff.
This year I’ve decided to stop deleting and just go for it. At the very least I may grab your attention while waiting at the dentist and looking for something more interesting to read than Gums Monthly.
So if you enjoyed this even a tiny bit, please feel free to follow, comment and come back again. I will endeavour to write something mildly informative or entertaining as often as I can.
And if you didn’t like this, please feel free not to comment as my self esteem is very limited and I’m prone to bouts of despair.
Many thanks for reading and hopefully we’ll meet again.
p.s. I apologise to any grapefruit loving people out there, I didn’t mean to cause offence to grapefruits, their fans or anything they stand for.